Hello, Hot Mama,

Today I took my kiddos to the park. I like this park specifically because there are never any people there. It’s quiet, low-key, and I don’t have to talk to anyone. Which is funny, because I desperately want — and need — mom friends. But I also don’t want to put myself out there.

Weird how that manifests. It’s just easier to introvert.

I blame COVID sometimes, but honestly? That was what, five years ago? There’s nothing left to blame now except myself.

Anyway. Today was different. There were three moms at the park with their kids. All of them were beautiful, sun-kissed, and gathered around a picnic table drinking lattes and chatting. Their kids played together like siblings — clearly part of a tight-knit tribe.

And I wanted one so badly. Not even their tribe. Just…a tribe of my own.

I want to be able to call someone and say, “Wanna go to Target?” Not because I need anything — we both know I’ll still buy something — but because I just want company. I want to text a friend and have them come over and sit on my back patio with a White Claw in a fancy glass while our kids run wild and tear up the yard. I want my kids to have playdates, to make real friendships. And deep down, I feel like a failure for not being the mom who has made that happen.

So there I was, sitting on the hot wooden edge of the sandbox, the sun blazing down, feeling more like a failure with every passing second.

I started to feel like the awkward middle schooler in the cafeteria again. You know the one — holding a tray of cold, overly processed food, scanning the room for a place to sit, but everyone’s already in their cliques. That’s exactly how it felt. There were a few polite smiles, but that was it. No hellos. No conversations. Just that surface-level acknowledgment and then…nothing.

And I started spiraling.

Do I go over and say hello?
Do I ask them questions instead of waiting for an invitational opening?
Do I just walk over, plop down like I belong, and give them something to talk about later?

And then came the hard question:
What am I demonstrating to my kids by not being social?

That’s the one that hits the hardest.
Because I’m not just letting myself stay stuck — I might be holding them back, too

I don’t have a neat little bow to tie around this story. I guess this post is just about sittingSo if you’re a mom who’s also sitting on the sandbox edge, feeling like the odd one out — I see you.

Keep going — mess and all.
With you always,
Rachel